Outraged? Hardly. In fact, I have a suggestion

Welcome, gentle readers (all 6 or so of you)! Yet another election year is upon us, and with it comes yet another cynical attempt to appropriate a wedge issue as red meat (think thick, juicy sausage) for the basest of the base. Except this year, things are different; the provincial douchebag bigot at the center of the storm is entirely too guileless, too artless to be accused of mere political maneuvering in the matter. In other words, he actually believes this shit. The provincial douchebag bigot in question is of course, ordained Baptist minister and former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee, and the wedge issue du jour is the tried and true favorite of Republicans everywhere:

Well, I don't think that's a radical view to say we're going to affirm marriage. I think the radical view is to say that we're going to change the definition of marriage so that it can mean two men, two women, a man and three women, a man and a child, a man and animal. Again, once we change the definition, the door is open to change it again. I think the radical position is to make a change in what's been historic.

- Mike Huckabee, in a hagiographic interview conducted by Beliefnet.com

Sound familiar? Yes, it's the exact same discharge secreted by former Senator (but forever Vile, Despicable Cuntrag) Rikki "Man-On-Dog" Santorum in a fit of impotent rage following the 2003 Lawrence v. Texas Supreme Court decision decriminalizing sexual acts between consenting, same-sex adults. But again, whereas Santorum just seemed to drip, ooze, even excrete evil from every orifice, and whose entire miserable career was and continues to be informed by a highly opportunistic neoconservative political calculus, Huckabee just seems, well, sincere in his monumental ignorance, as though he really believes he has to believe this shit in order to be a good person...

...and it is for this reason and this reason alone that I have decided to try and help. An ignorant man needs an ignorant running mate (the current occupants of the executive branch notwithstanding), and I believe I have found the perfect running mate for Mike Huckabee. I give you: Sherri Shepherd for Vice-President!




For those of you unfamiliar with Ms. Shepherd, she is the most recent addition to the cast of The View, an insufferable, long-running talk show "for women" created by former respected journalist Barbara Walters, and quite possibly one of the reasons the Islamists hate us. Anyhow, Ms. Shepherd has created quite a stir in recent months with a series of comments made on the show which have served to identify her not only as a colossal moron, but as the worst kind of ignoramus: a willful one who seems to revel and take pride in her sheer ignorance, as though it was a badge of honor, and indeed, piety...thus making her the perfect companion (not a counterpart or foil, but more an intellectual contemporary) to the willful ignoramus running for the Republican nomination. A Harry Dunne to his Lloyd Christmas, if you will. Now read on for a few examples of their intellectual alignment, and see if you do not agree that this is the only woman with the intellectual capacity to run alongside this guy.

ON SCIENCE

"If you want to believe that you and your family came from apes, that's fine. I'll accept that, I just don't happen to think that I did." - Huckabee, clarifying his dodge of a debate question on evolution while completely mischaracterizing the theory, May 4 2007

"Is the world flat? I don't know, I never thought about it..." - Shepherd, in response to a question from Whoopi Goldberg on The View, September 18 2007

ON CHRISTOCENTRIC HISTORY

"[The signers of the Declaration of Independence] were brave people, most of whom, by the way, were clergymen." - Huckabee, in a debate in Orlando, October 21 2007 (BTW it was 1 out of 56)

"[The Greeks] had Christians 'cause they threw them to the lions...I don't think anything predated Christians." - Shepherd, in response to a discussion on whether Christians lived during the time of Epicurius, on The View, December 4 2007

ON LGBT ISSUES

"Unless Moses comes down with two stone tablets from Brokeback Mountain to tell us something different, we need to keep that understanding of marriage." - Huckabee, being a super-butch, manly, vagina-bothering hetero-stud for a group of Christian conservatives, September 2006

"Not in my house! Not in my house! Not in my house! My son isn't putting on dresses! Girls wear dresses! When he's 18, he can do what he wants, but not in my house!" - Shepherd, on being confronted with the possibility that her son could grow up to be transgendered, The View, December 6 2007